Things Change
by Mish
Summary: Life rarely stays the same. Thrawn and Eli discuss the impact of change on one's life path.
1. Chapter 1

His bed felt unnaturally comfortable this morning, the sheets clean and warm, the firmness of the mattress just right so that he didn't wake up sore. What was more, he didn't have to leave it anytime soon.

So why couldn't he sleep?

Groaning, Eli turned over, wrapping his arms around his pillow and burying his face in it, seeking desperately the peaceful realm of dreams that was now evading him for reasons unknown and unfair. He listened closely. Everything was quiet and dark, perfectly conducive to sleeping in. But he just couldn't do it.

Heaving a heavy sigh, he rolled over and pushed himself up into a sitting position, his feet finding contact with the cool floor as he leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees, covering his face with his hands.

 _Don't worry—a career with the navy will knock that out of you soon enough._

He groaned again as he heard Yularen's voice in his head. The navy had certainly done its job there. Even Eli's days off were not unaffected.

Well, may as well not stay here and mope about it.

He stood, turning to straighten his bed, the action automatic and mechanical. A quick shower might help. He ran a hand over his face, rubbing at his cheeks. And a shave, he grimaced. He missed the days of his youth when he did not have to bother with that all the time.

Fifteen minutes later, he was fresh and dressed and ready to find something to eat for breakfast.

Pickings were slim this morning. Much of the crew was away for the day's shore leave. Nevertheless, he managed to put together a tray, topping it off with a steaming mug of caf and another of plain hot water. Balancing the tray expertly, he made his way to the admiral's quarters. As he entered Thrawn's office, he saw the Chiss in his familiar spot at the desk, datapad in hand. Glowing red eyes shifted upward to meet his as he stepped through the doorway.

"Good morning, sir," Eli greeted, moving quietly through the room and setting the tray down at the edge of Thrawn's desk.

"Good morning, Commander."

Thrawn said nothing more, but Eli could read it well enough in the other's expression. _What are you doing up so early on your day off?_

He decided to ignore it. Discussing the matter might just bring back his earlier irritation. Instead, he busied himself with sifting through a small drawer in a narrow stand against the wall, selecting the tea he knew would be Thrawn's preference for the morning. Then he returned to the desk, silently preparing the hot drink as Thrawn began scrolling through his datapad again.

Once everything was prepared, he arranged everything neatly on the side of the desk, pulling up a chair to join the admiral for breakfast as usual.

"Thank you," Thrawn murmured as he reach out to draw the tea closer, and Eli glanced up to catch his eye, giving him a quick smile back in acknowledgement. Then he pulled out his own datapad and brought up his latest reports for review, selecting a scone from the tray and munching it wordlessly as he fell back into normal routine.

Several minutes passed in companionable silence.

"Will you be joining the others on the planet's surface today?" Thrawn enquired conversationally, although Eli knew it was not merely small talk. Thrawn did not do small talk.

"No, I think I'm going to stay here," he said, keeping his eyes on his datapad. He could feel Thrawn's gaze focused on him but resisted the urge to look up.

"Is anything wrong?" Thrawn asked a moment later. Going straight to the point, as he always did.

"No," Eli replied, this time looking up with a tight smile for added reassurance. "I just would prefer your company today, if that's all right."

Thrawn's eyes brightened, and he bowed his head. "Of course. I would never object to that."

Eli smiled again, more relaxed this time, and they both returned to their respective tasks.

It wasn't that he lacked friends among the crew, nor that he was particularly disinterested in the planet they were parked above. But even after these past years, he could tell that few people really took him seriously. Whether it was his place of origin or his determined association with the alien admiral, or a combination of both, there were still plenty of side glances and whispered comments whenever he passed. Some days, it was just too wearying. Anyway, what the others were planning to do planetside were things he was not really interested in doing himself. He had meant it when he said he would prefer Thrawn's company.

Oh, he remembered the days when holidays were the highlights of the year, especially as a kid. He and his friends would escape as the sun rose above the horizon, running around wild all day, whether they wandered through town, stopping at their favorite places for snacks and cool, delicious ice cream, or ran off into the surrounding countryside to play and get into mischief.

He sat back, the datapad falling forgotten in his lap. It had been years since he had even thought about that, and yet the memories came rushing back full force, as if they had only happened last summer. He could remember the smell of the diner, the color and pattern and feel of the tabletops there, his favorite meal that he would always order. His dad complained that he never tried anything new, but Eli didn't care. He knew what he liked, and that was good enough for him. Oh, but it had been ages since he last had that...ages since he had last actually made a trip home...

He closed his eyes, the memories so real that he could feel the warmth of the sun on his face and feel the wind rustling his hair as he sat at the top of the ridge overlooking the valley. His favorite spot to get away from everyone—and, as far as he knew, still a secret. The old, weather-beaten tree stretched out over him, the scent of its wood and the brush around him filling the air as the insects and birds sang their songs around him.

Would he ever go back? Or was all of that now gone forever, lost to memory? A deep ache grew in his chest.

"If you wish to return to your quarters, you do not need to stay here," Thrawn's voice cut into his reminiscing.

Eli opened his eyes, realizing as he did so that it must have looked like he was falling asleep. "Oh, no, no," he said, straightening and glancing down at the datapad. "I was only...thinking..."

Thrawn sat back, laying his own datapad down on the desk and steepling his fingers in front of his chest. He held Eli in a curious gaze, as if trying to determine how much of Eli's excuse was true.

Eli sighed. "I was just remembering things. From years ago. Back when I was a kid."

Thrawn raised an eyebrow. "Indeed?"

Eli could see the spark of curiosity flaring up in those eyes, and he felt his own cheeks grow warm. Would he ever grow out of blushing, he wondered with some annoyance. Especially around Thrawn, who would catch it every time.

"Yeah." He flicked absently through the information on his datapad, not actually registering what was on there. "It's funny how things change sometimes. I never in a million years would have imagined myself here, back then." He waved a hand around the room as his eyes followed, his stomach fluttering oddly as it had the first time he had stepped aboard the _Chimaera_. "Sometimes I still don't believe it," he admitted quietly.

Thrawn observed him silently for a long moment. "Are you unhappy with the changes your life has taken?" he asked softly.

"No," Eli answered readily, but then he paused. "Not now, anyway," he amended, meeting Thrawn's gaze. "I know I haven't...always been open to change."

The corner of Thrawn's mouth twitched, but he said nothing.

"I'm afraid I've always been like that," Eli continued, running his hand against his leg as if brushing something away. "My parents had to push me to start helping out with the family business and then to get into the academy." He shrugged half-heartedly. "It's not that I didn't like it. I just...had been good with how things were already." He sighed again. "And I do still miss some of it. Sometimes I wonder how things would have turned out if I stayed on Lysatra."

Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Thrawn tilt his head slightly to the side.

"I'm not saying I regret any of this," Eli insisted, holding up his hands. "Because I don't. I'm in a far better place than I ever could have gotten to on my own, and I have you to thank for it. But..." He pressed his lips together. "Do you ever miss things yourself? Do you ever wonder what could have been...?"

Thrawn's eyes narrowed as he considered Eli's questions. "I do miss things, people and places," Thrawn said after a long pause, nodding thoughtfully. "Wondering what could have been is a useless gesture, unless done as an exercise in evaluating one's actions." His head bowed. "But I cannot deny that there have been instances where I have asked that of myself," he said, his voice low and carefully guarded. Eli frowned but knew better than to press the matter. "As it is, Commander," he continued, "whether or not you seek change, you have proven yourself fully capable of facing it and adapting to it with skill and wisdom. Do not discredit your own part in being where you are today."

Eli looked away as he felt his cheeks warming again at the praise. "All thanks to your patient guidance and understanding, sir," he said. "I know what it's like to be pushed into things without any regard for my own feelings on the matter, and you have always shown respect for my wishes." Even if was after he had already manipulated Eli into certain positions, Eli thought, smiling to himself grimly. But he knew Thrawn better now. He knew the Chiss had had Eli's best interest in mind, training Eli eventually to see his own qualities that had lain hidden from him. "Thank you for that."

Thrawn inclined his head. "You have grown, Eli Vanto," he murmured. "And grown well." He lowered his hands into his lap. "Life is full of change. It is inevitable. But I believe you are well prepared for it."

Eli grinned, leaning back and putting his hands behind his head. "Yeah, I'm not too worried about such things anymore. I know we can face whatever twists and turns are up ahead for us. We always find a way."

Thrawn's return smile was tempered by something Eli couldn't quite read. "Indeed."


	2. Chapter 2

The mottled sky of hyperspace twisted and flowed past the viewports, filling the room with pale, shifting light. Thrawn sat back, watching the patterns as they reflected off the surfaces in the darkened observation room. He didn't often come here while they were traveling through hyperspace, but the weight of his thoughts had forced him to withdraw.

He was technically off-duty, but he did not feel inclined to retire to his quarters quite yet. He felt weary more than tired. Even so, he closed his eyes against the dancing light, focusing instead on the sounds of the ship. His ship.

The _Chimaera_.

It was an impressive beast, slicing its path between the stars as it passed from one mission to the next. Just the sight of it dropping out of hyperspace was enough to stop many in their tracks—and he was not beneath using such intimidation tactics if it could resolve situations without conflict.

What would the Ruling Families say if they could see him now?

His lip twitched briefly. None of this was intended to impress them, or anyone else. Everything he had ever done was ultimately meant to protect those in his care. Oh, what he could do with a fleet like this in defense of Csilla and the entire Ascendancy...

A blade of ice pierced his chest.

He certainly knew what they would say if they learned of his recent...victory. There would be no accolades, no promotion, nothing like what he had received here. Quite the opposite, in fact, and he wouldn't blame them. Not for a mistake like this. Completely senseless, an unnecessary waste. Sitting forward, he ran a hand slowly through his hair as he took deep, steadying breaths. This was twice now. Twice that—

The soft hiss of the door behind him cut into his thoughts, and he heard a familiar tread enter the room, pausing as the door slid shut again. Thrawn opened his eyes, turning to glance at his visitor. Just a few feet from the door, Eli had stopped and was now staring at the sky in quiet fascination. Thrawn watched him silently, observing the changes the years had wrought in him. It was more than the physical maturation of age. Eli held more confidence in his walk and posture, and the ease with which he fell into his role each day spoke to his increased skill in both tactics and leadership. The young commander had proven himself capable time and again, in a variety of situations, and Thrawn was proud.

And yet, there was also an unseen weight pressing down on him. Thrawn could see the strain of it around Eli's eyes at times and in the way he sometimes hunched his shoulders when lost in thought. It was a weight that Thrawn often felt himself. No doubt recent events only served to add to it.

"Ah, sir," Eli said, turning toward Thrawn and nodding a greeting, his mouth curved in a warm smile. "Would you mind if I joined you?"

"Not at all." Thrawn straightened, looking away for a moment to compose himself. "You know you are always welcome here, Commander."

"Thanks."

Thrawn felt the shift of the couch as Eli collapsed at the other end.

"Wow," Eli murmured, and again his head was tilted back to look at the flow of hyperspace. "Sometimes I can't believe we're actually able to travel like this. I mean, when you really think about the distances we're crossing and how we do it. It's easy to forget about it when it's not staring you in the face."

Thrawn hummed in agreement, glancing briefly at Eli again before turning his eyes upward to watch as well.

A moment later, he heard the rustle of cloth as Eli moved. "Sir?" he asked tentatively. Thrawn slid his gaze toward him once more, noting that Eli was staring at him with a mixture of concern and nervousness. "Permission to speak freely?"

Thrawn narrowed his eyes slightly, but he nodded. "You may."

"Are you all right?" Eli grimaced even as he voiced the question, his face warming in anticipation of Thrawn's reaction to the personal question.

Thrawn kept his gaze steady as he studied Eli again. He knew his own appearance at the moment was less impeccable than normal, with his hair disheveled from running his hand through it. Was that the cause for the question, or was there something more? Had Eli actually noticed the signs of Thrawn's growing tension? If so, then his observation skills had also markedly improved. Thrawn knew how difficult it was for humans to read Chiss—a fact that Thrawn often exploited. But something in the way Eli had asked, the tone of his voice and the expression on his face, implied that his own concern had been growing throughout the day. With a quiet sigh, Thrawn sat back. "It has merely been a long day, Commander."

"Is that all it is?"

Thrawn raised an eyebrow at him, secretly pleased when Eli did not flinch. Most others would either shrink back in fear or puff up in defiance if they felt they might have offended him. "No, but this is not a burden for you to bear."

Eli tilted his head and opened his mouth, clearly about to say something. But then he stopped, closing his mouth and returning his gaze to the viewport ahead of them. They sat in silence for several long minutes, staring at the swirling vortex, settling into their own thoughts.

"It's not your fault."

Eli's voice was quiet but emphatic. He kept his gaze focused forward.

Thrawn did as well. "In the end, it does not matter who is to blame. The loss remains." Nightswan had balked at Thrawn's description of the civilians at Creekpath as Imperial resources. And yes, the description was certainly cold and impartial, but that was the reality of the situation in the Empire's eyes and the most effective means he had of justifying his continued resolve to spare as many lives as possible. He had never forgotten the incident with the _Dromedar_ and the tibanna gas, not simply because it was his first encounter with Nightswan but also because it showed him what value the Empire placed on individual lives. If he was to maintain his path, then he would have to resort to whatever means were necessary to keep it. There was, after all, a greater purpose to accomplish.

"I know the truth, sir." Eli had turned toward him again, and Thrawn glanced over to meet his eyes. They were filled with sincerity and determination. "I know you never would have wanted that. I know that it grieves you."

Thrawn inclined his head in acknowledgement, closing his eyes briefly. For a moment, he could see Maris Ferasi sitting there, her idealism and innocence shining brightly through her eyes. Not that Eli was wrong; these things did grieve him, more than he could ever say. More than he could ever show. And to have such a mistake happen under his watch _again_ , costing so many lives...

It was unconscionable.

The last time he had also ended up losing his brother. Next time...

No. There could not be a next time. This entire incident occurred because of the growth and cooperation of rebel cells in this sector. Thrawn understood and appreciated Nightswan's arguments against the Empire as a whole, but he had no idea what worse things lay out there. If the galaxy at large were to have even a remote chance of surviving the oncoming storm, then they needed a strong and powerful presence. This insurgent activity had to end, and it had to end now. If it meant taking a harsher approach in order to avoid another Batonn, then so be it.

He looked at Eli again. It was time.

"Have you had a chance to consider my offer yet?"

Eli met his gaze, a quick flurry of emotions passing over his face before he nodded. "Yes. I—" He took a deep breath, his gaze dropping to his lap where he clasped his hands together. "If you really think I'm ready for such a mission, then I would like to do it." He raised his eyes again to meet Thrawn's.

Thrawn nodded slowly. He had expected this answer but was satisfied to hear it all the same. "I do," he said quietly. "You have my full trust and confidence, Eli."

Eli startled at that, and Thrawn suppressed a smile. "Yes, sir. I will do my best." Eli straightened, his cheeks warming again, but not from embarrassment this time. Thrawn allowed a small smile. He would miss that, along with everything else.

"I expect no less." The smile quickly faded. "However, before you make your final decision, I have one more thing I need you to know." Thrawn pressed his lips together. Eli was going to learn about this one way or another, and he would not send him to the Ascendancy without telling him personally. "What do you know of the Outbound Flight project?"

* * *

 _Author's note: This is my contribution to the theories on why Thrawn is so different between the book and the show._


	3. Chapter 3

"What do you know of the Outbound Flight project?"

Eli frowned, searching his memory. "It doesn't sound familiar. What is it?"

"It was a mission put into place years ago, before the Clone Wars," Thrawn said quietly, his hands coming together with the fingertips touching, something he often did when falling deep into thought. His eyes took on a distant look. "The purpose was to explore and colonize within the Unknown Regions, with the eventual goal of potentially crossing the expanse between this galaxy and the next."

Eli's eyes widened as he gaped at Thrawn. "Did they really think they could do that?" he asked incredulously. "Make it to another galaxy, that is. Such a distance is nearly unfathomable."

"They hoped to try," Thrawn said with a small tilt of his head. "It was an ambitious goal, to be sure, and I am doubtful that aspect of the journey would have been accomplished. But they did make it to the Unknown Regions."

"Wait," Eli said, sitting straighter and holding up a hand. "I think I do remember something about this, although I didn't know that's what it was called. I remember something passing through our part of Wild Space and people making a big deal of it at the time." He grimaced with embarrassment. "I admit I didn't care that much at the time, but I don't think I really knew what was going on. There seemed to be a lot of speculation and not a lot of real information going around."

Thrawn nodded slowly, his eyes narrowing slightly. "There had been some opposition to the project before it was finally approved, so no doubt there was some level of misinformation spread as well."

"Huh." Eli sat back, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "It is a fascinating idea, though." His gaze shifted in Thrawn's direction. "How do you know about it then? Did it come through your part of space, too?"

Thrawn's eyes narrowed further, and his fingers twitched. "I have researched all the information I could find on the project in my own time," he said. Eli frowned. There was something strange in his tone, almost hesitant. "It was not an easy task, as much of the information has either been strictly classified or removed altogether. However," his voice lowered, "it did come through our part of space."

Something in the way he said that gave Eli the sense that there was something dark hanging over his words, just waiting to fall. "Why do I have the feeling there's more to it than that?" he asked cautiously, his body tensing even as he raised the question.

Releasing a long, quiet sigh, Thrawn turned his head away to stare out the viewport. For a moment, he seemed mesmerized by the swirling pattern flowing past them, but Eli knew him well enough to recognize that he was gathering his thoughts together. Then Thrawn's eyes slid closed, and his shoulders wilted imperceptibly. A disconcerting chill settled over Eli.

"Outbound Flight consisted of six Dreadnaught-class heavy cruisers encircling a storage core." Thrawn's voice was steady, his tone mechanical, as if he were merely reciting from a report. "Each Dreadnaught could detach from the main structure if they found a viable place for colonization. Overall, there were 50,000 passengers aboard, men, women, and children, all prepared to explore and resettle and establish a new life for themselves in the furthest reaches of space." Thin slits of red appeared in the darkness, but Thrawn's focus was still turned inward. "There were also nineteen Jedi scheduled for the journey, led by Jedi Master Jorus C'baoth, who seemed to be a driving force in getting the project up and running." Thrawn's mouth flattened briefly. "Indeed, he appeared to have every confidence that he was the one in command over the entire mission."

Thrawn's expression was as cool and calm as ever, but Eli could see the tension holding Thrawn's body rigid. "You say that like you met him personally," he interjected tentatively.

"Yes." Thrawn turned his gaze back on Eli, and something behind those eyes struck him deeply. There was something personal going on here, something beyond the recalling of an historical event. And given Thrawn's insistence that Eli know this story before he left, he wondered if, perhaps, this had something to do with why Thrawn was sending him to the Ascendancy in the first place.

"So you saw Outbound Flight yourself?"

"I did."

"I see." Eli crossed his arms over his torso loosely, his mouth curving downward in a curious frown. "Where is Outbound Flight now? Do you know?"

Thrawn's gaze grew unfocused again, and he took so long to answer that Eli began to wonder if he had heard the question in the first place. But then he spoke, and his voice was uncharacteristically raw. "Buried deep within a star cluster inside Chiss space."

A shiver ran down Eli's back, and he straightened again. "What do you mean?"

"It was never meant to accomplish its mission," Thrawn said, his voice low and quiet. "A task force had been sent to intercept it and destroy it once it was beyond known space."

Eli blanched. "But there were 50,000 people on board."

Thrawn nodded. "Indeed."

"So what happened?" Eli said, sounding more demanding than he meant to. His hands had begun shaking, and he clasped them together tightly. "Did it get destroyed?"

Thrawn closed his eyes again, pausing for a moment. When his eyes snapped open again, the crimson gaze was blazing with fire. "I destroyed the task force before Outbound Flight arrived."

"You—you did?" Hope rose within Eli for the briefest moment. But what had Thrawn meant about it being buried in a star cluster in Chiss space? Had it crashed? Was it purposefully hidden? Had they decided to abandon the project when they realized what was intended for them? "What happened?" he asked again.

"I believed the task force to be a threat to my people and did not hesitate to remove the threat." Thrawn bowed his head, lowering his hands to his lap. "I spared the leadership, which was how I learned of their purpose regarding Outbound Flight. And they, in turn, requested that I complete their mission for them, seeking to convince me that it was for the best of the galaxy." There was a tiny shake of his head. "Of course, they only wanted to save their own lives from the wrath of the one they served."

Eli went cold, the hope from a moment ago fleeing just as quickly as it had sprung. "You didn't—"

"I had no reason to trust them," Thrawn said, his eyes glittering dangerously. "However, I also had no reason to trust those on Outbound Flight, either. The only ones from this part of the galaxy that I _could_ trust were two of the humans already in my company at the time—and that itself was tenuous, as we had only just recently met."

Eli tilted his head. "You had already met humans at that point?"

"As I said, it had been a recent contact, and it was the first I knew of between our people."

"Convenient timing," Eli murmured, trying desperately to ignore his growing uneasiness about the direction this story was heading.

"I thought so, too, at first," Thrawn agreed, inclining his head. "But in the end it did prove purely coincidental. That, in itself, is an interesting story, but not the one I wish to discuss with you right now." With a weary sigh, Thrawn rose to his feet, moving close to the viewport. Eli watched silently, staring at Thrawn's silhouette. The heaviness that had dogged his steps lately was now more evident than ever. "The Jedi onboard Outbound Flight had been marked as the greatest threat of the mission," he continued quietly. "I had never come across beings such as the Jedi before, and the information I received from the task force leadership and my...guests...left me dubious." He glanced sideways at Eli. "All the same, I refused to act without first assessing the situation myself." Eli nodded. That certainly sounded like him. "I offered them the opportunity to adjust their course, taking them away from Chiss space. As long as my people were left alone, I saw no reason to interfere. There were other, more pressing matters that I was concerned with at the time. And, had Jedi Master C'baoth not been there, I believe it likely they would have done so." Another pause. "He was proud. Overconfident." Thrawn turned away again, his voice dropping so low that Eli had to strain to hear him. "It was never meant to happen that way."

"Thrawn…" The darkness Eli had sensed earlier now wrapped itself around him, smothering him. "What happened to Outbound Flight?"

Thrawn's stance was stiff. "The universe is cruel and cold, Eli," he murmured. "Even the best of intentions can have catastrophic consequences."

Eli rose slowly to his feet. "Thrawn," he repeated emphatically. "What happened to Outbound Flight?"

Thrawn closed his eyes, and in the reflection off the transparisteel, Eli could see that his face was pinched. "My hand was forced. I had to disable their ship, in the hope that they would turn around and leave the system." Thrawn crossed his arms over his chest, lifting a hand to settle it lightly against his shoulder. "But Jedi Master C'baoth did not take defeat gracefully, and I nearly paid for it with my life." The hand moved, just enough to brush against his throat, and even in the darkened room, Eli could see him swallow. "I was saved by the quick action of the human in charge of the task force I had defeated, but the cost was high."

Eli's knees went weak, and he collapsed back onto the couch, speechless.

"The people of Outbound Flight were never the enemy, nor the intended target," Thrawn explained. "My true goal had been the eradication of a cruel race of slavers called the Vagaari who were terrorizing the region." Thrawn's expression hardened. "Using what remained of the task force which had set out to destroy Outbound Flight, I was able to devise an effective means to rid the galaxy of the Vagaari forever." He waved his hand in a circle. "It was, of course, unconventional, and entirely unapproved by the Ascendancy and the Chiss Expansionary Defense Force, of which I was a part. I knew I had to act quickly if I was to be successful." There was a small shake of his head. "All it took was the press of a button, and the devastating weapon designed for one was launched at the other. It was over in a matter of minutes." A quiet sigh. "Much like Creekpath."

"Sir..." Eli's head was reeling, and he didn't know what else to say.

Thrawn lowered his arms, folding them behind his back. "The Vagaari did not escape unscathed themselves," he continued, his voice carefully under control. "But they were not wholly destroyed, either. You will learn more about them when you arrive at the Ascendancy, as well as the other threats we have encountered in the Unknown Regions. There is much more out there, much worse."

He paused a moment, and his voice lowered again as his head bowed forward, nearly touching the transparisteel. "My actions during that event and others at the time brought me under stricter scrutiny than I was already facing. I guess you could say I had a reputation even then." A sad, wry smile twisted the corner of his mouth. "My brother, Syndic Mitth'ras'safis, was even sent to keep me in line." The smile faded, and for a moment, it almost seemed as if Thrawn was struggling to breathe. "He—everyone aboard Outbound Flight was dead after the attack. A member of one of the Ruling Families arrived at the scene soon after, along with Admiral Ar'alani and my brother. We were concerned about the impact if one of the Families claimed Outbound Flight for itself—an issue that quickly presented itself with the one representative who was already there." He tensed. "In an effort to keep a war between the Families from starting, my brother took Outbound Flight to hide it as the others were distracted." Eli saw a shudder run through the tall, shadowed figure standing before him, and again the voice dropped to where it was barely audible. "He never returned."

There was a long moment of silence; then, in a voice of forced calmness, "I traced him as far as the Redoubt, one of our strongholds, but a search there would take decades, even a lifetime, if not more. There's not even a guarantee the ship had a chance to land anywhere, if it even made it that far. It was damaged, possibly too damaged to survive a trip within the star cluster that comprised the Redoubt. As it is, I could not trust any of the Families with the information in order to continue with the search, so I only told Admiral Ar'alani what I knew before I—well..."

With a great sigh and an obvious effort, Thrawn turned back toward Eli. His eyes were barely open, just faintly glowing. "That doesn't matter now, anyway. The point is, Eli, Batonn was not my first costly mistake. And I wanted you to hear it from me before you get the official report from the CEDF, or the unofficial opinion of others with whom you might come in contact."

* * *

Eli was silent for a long time. Thrawn watched closely as the young commander processed the heavy and difficult information he had just laid out before him. While Thrawn's track record contained an extremely high number of victories, the losses could easily outweigh them, given their magnitude. Again he thought of Maris Ferasi, of his own aversion to destroying the idealism of such bright, hopeful minds. But this wasn't quite the same, either. Eli had been with the Navy for years now. He had witnessed things that would dull the edges of the most idealistic recruit, and he was still here. His optimism had been tempered, but it had not been lost. It was one of things he appreciated most about Eli.

Even so, would this prove to be too much?

Then there was the issue of his brother. He did not realize that bringing him up would affect him so strongly, although he could not speak of Outbound Flight without addressing his own part in it. It had been so long since he had spoken of the topic to anyone, and now he burned to share it someone he could trust, someone who might understand the pain—

He closed his eyes. Thrass was never far from his mind, but actually speaking of him put the loss in sharp relief yet again. It took his breath, knowing it was his fault.

 _It was my choice to make, brother._

Grimacing to himself, fighting to regain control, he half turned, hoping Eli wouldn't notice his struggle. He would not influence his decision by pulling at his emotions. It was a cowardly and dishonest method, and one he refused to employ.

When he felt confident again, he turned back to Eli, keeping silent as Eli continued to sit there, his eyes half-closed, his gaze focused on the floor. He had raised a hand to his chin, in the manner Thrawn himself did, and he was worrying his lower lip between his thumb and forefinger. At last, after what could have only been a few minutes, although it had felt much longer, Eli heaved a deep sigh, his hand dropping to his lap as he looked up to meet Thrawn's gaze.

"I am sorry, Thrawn."

Thrawn's chest tightened in anticipation of rejection, but long years of practice kept all evidence of it hidden. He merely straightened, feeling the walls begin to rise again.

Eli pushed himself to his feet, stepping forward until he was directly in front of Thrawn. When he looked up to meet his gaze, his eyes were shining with pain and sorrow. "To have this happen to you twice, and yet you continue forward, undaunted, while the weight of their blood hangs heavy on your shoulders." He pressed his lips together, the corners of his eyes crinkling. "And not just their blood," he added softly. Thrawn caught his breath and glanced away, suddenly unable to meet the other's gaze. Something brushed his arms, and he looked down to find that Eli had reached out to him, resting his hands gently but firmly just below his elbows. "I meant what I said earlier, Thrawn. I know it grieves you to see the innocent die unnecessarily, whether it happened weeks ago or years ago. I know that. I—" He paused, biting his lip as his gaze dropped. "The fact is, Thrawn, I am still here because of you. Because I believe in you. Because I admire you. Because I trust you. I have been rapidly losing trust in many here in the Empire, but every time I begin to doubt you, too, you only end up proving to me yet again that you are one I can fully trust, even when I don't understand." His cheeks warmed at the admission, but he looked back up at Thrawn with determination. "Thank you for telling me about this. Thank you for trusting me with it. My decision remains unchanged."

Thrawn stared at him, caught in one of the rare occasions where he was actually unable to speak. Eli trusted him that much? He wasn't sure anyone had ever trusted him so implicitly. He only hoped he could prove worthy of it in the end. Raising one of his arms, he crossed it over to grip one of Eli's hands where they still held him. Eli smiled then, his hands tightening briefly around Thrawn's arms.

"Thank you, Eli."

"Of course." Eli took a deep breath, his eyes softening. "Besides, someone's got to pick up the search. Someone who you do trust."

Thrawn blinked, once more shocked with surprise. "Oh, Eli, you don't—"

"—mind? Of course not," Eli finished with a flash in his eye and a quirk of his mouth. "It would be an honor."

Thrawn stared again until he felt his eyes burn. Then he quickly lowered his head, closing his eyes. "I am the one who is honored, Eli Vanto."


End file.
